THE CYCLE OF THE SOUL.

This book describes the physical life, the spiritual life and the cosmic denomination of a man who lived on earth as a sculpter 900 years ago. The reader will recognise the ideal love between man and wife in his feelings towards his twin-soul. Although these feelings were at the time unconscious they gave him a strong support when he had to undergo the terrible suffering resulting from suicide,  that is described in detail.

However the awe-inspiring love of twin-souls overcomes everything, also the longing during 9 centuries before  the reunion (and now for ever!) could take place.

A PART FROM THE BOOK THE CYCLE OF THE SOUL. THE COMPLETE BOOK YOU CAN ORDER AT:

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In my dungeon:
They led me away and locked me in a dungeon, where I collapsed broken in body and soul. After a while I woke up. Had I been asleep? The deepest darkness surrounded me and I suffered from a most terrible thirst, whiles stabbing pains hurt my chest. My whole body ached, my limbs seemed paralyzed for I could not move. Around me I felt the silence of approaching death; it made me shiver. I felt I was a wreck, my eyes burning in my head and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I was crushed. Would this mean that the end was near? In this cell my fame was whisked away with one big swoop. I could hardly believe it and it was difficult to accept. A Hurricane had stormed across the ocean of my life, shipwrecked my insignificant little boat and thrown me on the beach in a miserable heap. But this was very likely not yet sufficient, I supposed I would probably also lose my mind, because I would not be able to stand this much longer. My thirst was torturing me. Again I felt myself sinking down and lose consciousness.

When I came to consciousness for the second time I felt a little better. This time there was some light around me. Had the night faded away for the day? I could now think a little better and move my body slightly. That sleep had refreshed me, but oh, the thirst! If l only had a little bit of water to moisten my lips, that would be enough already. I had never had an experience like this. My only desire was to drink, I desperately longed for it.
Now I became aware of small sounds of life, were there people? I did not want to see anybody, people would frighten me. Only to drink, drink! I was in a dungeon, but where? They had not thought it necessary to lock me in chains, I could move about freely. Beside me I saw those chains. They could have restrained an enormous monster, to free oneself would be impossible, the links were too thick, too solid. Again I heard sounds of life, and wanted to call for some drink, but I could not utter a sound, my throat was closed tight.  

It was the middle of summer and I was surrounded by a frightful heat, which I felt was going to suffocate me. I wanted to get up, but it proved impossible, I was paralyzed. This drama had upset me terribly and shocked my nervous system. Still I wanted to get up. I writhed and shifted myself and in this way I reached the entrance, where I collapsed again; and I knew of nothing more. How long I lay there I do not know, but a loud creaking noise suddenly woke me up and I felt that someone propped me up against the wall of my cell. The man who had entered was apparently startled when he saw me.
Had I changed that much? I looked up at him and knew what he had come for. He handed me a stone pitcher, which I eagerly grabbed and drained till the very last drop. Wonderful, now I could breathe more freely. It was a charitable deed, for which I was very thankful.

Without speaking a word he left, closing the door behind him. That was fine with me, I would rather be alone, for I wanted to think, think, for so many thoughts welled up in me. I felt my strength returning slowly and I wanted to try returning to my former place in the corner. How was it possible that one could lose all his strength so suddenly? It proved not at all easy to stand up. But I Arrived where I wanted to be, even though my infirmity made the going almost impossible. My willpower I had not lost yet.
Next I tried to get a clear, overall picture of my situation and began to recall what had happened. That scoundrel, that rascal had brought me in this situation. Where was Marianne? Was she broken too? Poor child, how had our life and reunion turned out for times I us. Is this fate for both of us? I am a murderer, a murderer. A few times I repeated this word, to listen how it sounded. It had a strange ring to it, also something horrible, it meant death. Death?

Yes, Roni was dead and I was still alive. Now he probably knew more than I. I felt no remorse, only that I now was a man without hope.
My servant and he had played a wicked game! Oh, had I but listened to my inner feelings which told me not to trust him. Did this have to happen? Was it something from which I could not withdraw myself? Fate had pursued me to the very last minute. His skull I had crushed. I was not sorry, on the contrary, he had deserved it. Marianne had become an artiste, just like me. It seemed miraculous that she just happened to become acquainted with my friend, a devil in human shape who defiled her. Marianne, whom I loved and knew from my youth! Everything must be of the devil. I understood nothing of this and hardly dared to think about it. She had left home and followed me. It was all very mysterious. I had intended to search for her over the whole wide world and all the time she was living very close nearby. This I found more terrible than the murder I had committed and everything else I still  would have to live through. In childhood our ways had separated, as adults they came together again, but how?

What a finish! Where was she now? Would she be ill? I understood that her inner feelings had been bruised just as much as mine. It could not be else. What would she do now? What had possessed Roni to be so jealous of my art? Why? It pleased me that his beautiful body with which he had caused so much anguish and grief was not among the living any more. His frightful hate and envy could not hurt others any longer. I now understood him, as well as my feelings of terror and bad dreams and my servant, now that it was too late! A few days earlier I had felt it already. That’s why that fear in me to have to meet him. Was all this coincidence, cause or a law? An invisible power? I could not figure it out and most likely never would, but it was terrible. I could not shake myself loose from him, though I would have wanted to very much. And he? He probably could not either.

We always were attracted to each other and yet he hated me and I him. I would have thought it excitingly miraculous, if it weren’t so sad, so intensely sad. In any case, it had cost him his life and Iwas locked up in a cell wayting for my life’s end.
Roni, Marianne and I, how mighty was the influence that connected the three of us. The three of us? Yes, for we had been brought together, but by whom? By the devil? Did the devil meddle in human affairs?    It could not be God, God was Love. In any case these were invisible forces or fate. The force that first had united us and afterwards destroyed us were devilish. I accepted this without question, to me there did not seem to be an other solution possible and yet, what did the devil have to do with us, puny little people. Had he no other work? Had he nothing else to do? But then who was it, who ruined our young lives? It was an enigma to which I could not find the solution. Yet here I was again, busy asking ‘why’ and ‘wherefore’ as usual. This trait of my character I had not lost, notwithstanding all that had happened.

If only Marianne came to visit me, if only it would be granted her and me. Perhaps she knew more than I. She had come to know him very well, I had been blind, totally blind. How awful my Thoughts had been about her. I gladly took everything back, for a she-devil she was not. No, not that at all, that was the very last and saddest part of all. Possibly I might be allowed to see her before my death. Anyway I would request, nay, beg it, because I had to speak to her before I died.
There was a rattling at the entrance and a very high personage entered. He asked me  several questions, which I answered. Then I asked him: ‘Can I have somebody visit me here? Hasn’t somebody come yet?’ ‘No’, was his short and haughty answer. ‘If someone comes for me, would that be possible?’ He waved his hand and I understood that such was not at all certain. A cold comfort. It was my only desire before I died. How cruel people were. Great sadness assailed me and I felt dead-tired. Once again someone came and brought me some water. How grateful to him I was for that. I drank, but wanted to save some for later, for it was not at all sure how long I would have to wait and then I would at least have a little left.  

Already I had strained my thinking too much, it had tired me out, so that I fell asleep. I let myself go, for in this state I did not need to think and felt nothing of my misery. At this time I would have liked to sleep myself to death. Soon sleep took me under her wings. When I woke up again I felt deeply unhappy. It looked as if day was breaking and by that I calculated how long I had slept. However, I was so dazed that I sat and stared ahead of me for several hours, sitting in the same position.
Through the intensity of my innermost feelings I felt lifeless. How would my life end?  Through hanging, beheading or torture until death? It was all the same to me, if only I could talk to Marianne. I was willing to suffer everything, to give my life for her, but I had to know what I did it for. I wanted to see and speak with her.

The days passed. I scratched marks on the wall and counted the days that had gone by. Nearly two weeks I had been locked up and still Marianne had not come. I became afraid that something had happened to her also. Then suddenly one afternoon the bolts of my cell were pushed aside and this great happiness was given to me, for Marianne stepped inside. I burst into tears and Marianne flew into my arms, she also cried on my shoulder; two broken-hearted people. Quick like a flash of lightning I began to think. ‘Come’, I said, ‘let’s not lose a second, come, talk to me.’ I felt that we were one of soul and spirit. ‘I have loved you so, Marianne, already from our childhood. Please, my dear child, tell me all about Roni, for I shall have to die. It will make dying a little easier.’
She was deeply moved, but could not utter a word.

I began asking her a few questions and  slowly I found out that she too knew but very little about Roni. She also had felt attracted to  him, as if bound by a tie, a sinister force, that had drawn her to him. Now I still knew nothing, for the very same thing had happened to me. A few years after me she had taken up art. More she could not tell, for she did not understand this incomprehensible problem either. I draw her closer to me, for I loved her in the true sense. She would have had the ability to raise my art to the ultimate height, but it was not to be any more. My life and hers lay in ruins. Then she began to speak. ‘My art has been my downfall, Lantos. Do not ask about my life, for you will send me away.’

'Do you love me, Marianne?'
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and I understood her silent answer. We were united, one in feeling, one in thinking, one life that would presently be torn apart. For how long? My heart bled and I needed to summon all my strength to remain standing up. I wanted to live these moments, live them to the fullest. Before me I saw a road without end, endlessly going on, so that I could not see the end of it. What did it mean? I returned again to reality and held her even tighter to my breast.
‘My child, my Marianne, will you never forget me? If there is an eternity, do you think that we shall see each other again? Tell me what your thoughts are about that?’ ‘We shall live, Lantos, live we will, for it is God’s will.’ ‘Then there is no death? Do you know more about it than I?’ ‘No, but don’t they teach us that?’ ‘Ah, you study and accept? So be it. Let us have faith in that we shall meet again. Wherever it may be, I shall go on loving you, through all the ages to infinity. Do you feel like that, Marianne? ‘I do, Lantos, I feel it. I know now what it means to love true and pure. I did not love before, could not love, but now I feel different. Do not ask about my life, but I love you deeply, intensely.’ She kissed me and I felt her relaxing, her consciousness ebbing away. I held her tightly within me, saying: ‘Marianne, stay conscious, save those seconds, give me that precious time, don’t lose yourself, stay awake, stay awake!'

Her eyes opened again and she looked at me. Thank God, not a second I wanted to lose. ‘Long for me, when I shall be no longer with you, will you?’ She nestled herself closer to my breast and cried. I could not think any more, yet I had so much to ask; I felt empty.‘Longing, longing’, that one thought repeated itself in my mind, ‘long for, always long for, until you can’t any more.’‘If there is a God, if in truth You love Your children, then unite us after death.’
‘Long for me, for love, Marianne, will you long for, always continue to long for me? Wait, ever waiting until He Who calls Himself God will give it to us?’
‘If there is a Father in Heaven, then I beg You not to destroy this beauty, not this love, allow us this one thing, this most sacred thing.’ I spoke on and on, always begging that our love not would be destroyed. I who did not believe in Him still begged. I was not aware of what He could do, but I asked and begged; at that moment I could not do anything else. An unfamiliar peace lay within me. Then again I felt empty and could not think more and a dizzy spell overtook me. With all my might I fought against it, but to no avail. It was not Marianne but I who collapsed. I could still feel her near me, her lips pressed on mine, on my eyes and cheeks, but far, far away; I sank down into an endless depth.

I woke up in the night. Darkness was around me, but this darkness was dear to me, more than the day, than the light, for in this I could think. I remembered everything and grieved that I would never more be able to have this experience again. That too would not be granted me. How I longed to be dead. And now but to die as soon as possible, then everything will stop, this misery too. Away from this life, from the earth, from the people and the animals. Only then would I be free of this damned life. I now yearned for the silence of the grave and for death, that horrible monster, I hankered. Day came and then night again. Days and nights now followed each other, going straight to the end of my life. But why did it take so long? Since I had to die, then as quickly as possible. Finally the time came that I would be sentenced. Would I still meet Marianne? One morning they came for me and led me before the court. I looked around for Marianne, but she was not there. I heard she was ill. I was not condemned to death, but was to be imprisoned in a dungeon for the rest of my life. I asked for the death sentence, but they paid no attention to me, the verdict was settled.
To be shut up for life in a dungeon was hideous, I dared not think of it. How readily I would  have offered my head to the block. Everything was dear to me, but this was horrible. I was blindfolded and led to a different place, which I felt was an island, where I was locked up. Neither from my parents nor from Marianne did I ever hear. I was one of the living dead.

Reflections:
Now I had the time to meditate. My cell was a few meters square. Only faint light fell through a small window and that was the only source of illumination. When the sun went down darkness set in for me too. No other light was available to me.
At the beginning of my arrival here I looked for ways to escape, but had to put that out of my head soon, it was impossible. Whether I lived above or below ground level I did not know. It ought to be above ground, otherwise I would have no light, but upon entering I had counted the steps we descended and there were thirty-two. The walls of my cell were several meters thick and what could I do with that? Nothing at all. And so I abandoned the idea and gave myself over to fate. I now lay on my back for hours staring upwards. The first days passed in this way.

I had time for everything, no need to hurry at all. My whole life on earth passed by. I thought about my childhood and how carefree it had been and how much my parents had loved me. But, they were mean and treacherous: how well had I come to know them! But the most treasured hours had been those I had spent with Marianne; they had been the most wonderful and sacred moments of my life. Afterwards in different surroundings with the various teachers who had not taught me anything. And still I had become a great artist. There lived in me a force that served for something and was useful. Now I never asked any more how I got that feeling for art. I would not get an answer to that anyway. If I had remained at home this would not have happened. But I had to. A to me unknown force prompted me to leave that red-hot piece of ground and I went, with this as end result. Revenge I felt in the whole of my life, revenge, nothing but revenge.
Was there a God of revenge? Would my parents know about this end? I still had cherished feelings of hope that they would free me. But no. Would they be able to sleep peacefully knowing all this? Would Marianne tell them? That would not happen either, for hadn’t I forbidden her to do so? Was Marianne still alive? Had she suffered a total breakdown because of all those touching events?

When my parents would hear of that it would poison their happiness and darken their light still more. Their God now was a God of revenge, of that I was sure. However, I should not think of those things any more. The first days I had been miserable about my ruined life, but I was slowly adjusting, there was nothing I could do to change the circumstances anyway. It had happened and now I must pay the penalty with my life. Still I was glad that through myself I had destroyed their family lineage. There would be no heirs to follow me; I, the only one, was shut up in a dungeon. Here in this hole I awaited my life’s end. I would not even have wanted any offspring, why I did not know. However, it gave me satisfaction that for my parents that sun had not risen. They were now in darkness too, their hope, their light, and their task were destroyed by me. I now felt that their ideas had been wrong. Already in my childhood I had thought about that, but could never completely understand it, until now. Their God now thought different about them.

Would they still be able to feel love for Him after so many disasters? This was the only trump I had been able to play out to destroy their happiness. And it was destroyed. I had escaped their torture, but now I was being tortured. If only my father would have beaten me to death, that would have I still had cherished feelings of hope that they would free me. But no. Would they be able to sleep peacefully knowing all this? Would Marianne tell them? That would not happen either, for hadn’t I forbidden her to do so? Was Marianne still alive? Had she suffered a total breakdown because of all those touching events? When my parents would hear of that it would poison their happiness and darken their light still more. Their God now was a God of revenge, of that I was sure. However, I should not think of those things any more. The first days I had been miserable about my ruined life, but I wa been better. But no, not really, for I begrudged him that pleasure.

Would he lend himself to such things? Oh, for sure, I knew him only too well. Our lineage had contained those beings whose aim was violence and destruction. In earlier times, far back in the past, other incidents had occurred. When I was a child I heard rumours about them, but never learned the truth. When I asked my mother if what I heard was true, she said that I was too young yet and would not understand. I was exceedingly fond of history but our own family history was kept hidden from me. At least so I thought. I saw and sensed much violence that could not be explained away. Everything that happened in the past had nothing to do with the living and I must not poke around in what was past, my mother said. When I talked with my father about it he shrugged his shoulders and I was none the wiser. At this moment the flow of my thoughts was interrupted, because my thoughts turned to Marianne and I became consumed by love, which made me very sad. Still I did not want to be sad, for nothing could really be done about it. It had been quite remarkable, when Marianne came to visit me in my cell I felt that it was not I who then spoke. I myself would not have been able to speak in such a way. It had risen from the very depth of my inner feelings, which I neither knew nor understood.

But it certainly was strange. Now I had no longings any more, I only waited for death, for I could never get out of this place. So I tried to fend off all those thoughts, but they crept back intermittently and I began to have my longings. My love was intense, apparently I loved too much. Was Marianne thinking of me? If so, then I felt her clearly and it warmed me inside. One day followed after another, I had stopped marking off the days and weeks, for it only upset me more and I wanted to remain as quiet as possible. I could feel the approach of winter, for it was getting steadily colder. The wind shrieking through the gaps in the only shutter above me, frightened me. It was a painful feeling when the elements were in revolt. How could one still believe in a God of Love? Here in this place were hundreds of others with me who cursed Him. All those fellows lived in the most squalid misery, but I never saw them, for I was not allowed outside my cell. Here I lived, this was my and their world. Even if I would shout very loud, they would not hear me. Why did God allow this? Did I belong to those who had to be destroyed? God was our Father, of all of us. He could easily set me and the others free. But that did not happen.

The food was meagre and bad, as was the water I was given to drink. My poor body cringed, but yet I drank it, for there was nothing else. Because I suffered such a terrible thirst I had to drink it, but every swallow gave me stabbing pains in my belly.

Were they intent on torturing me to death in this manner? Why not at once instead of such painful torment. Only human beings could do things like that, an animal did not; his feelings were not enough developed, it wasn’t beastly enough. Man, however, possessed intellectual gifts and could therefore think up more sophisticated tortures. But did God give him these talents for that? Was that why people were godly, as the Bible said? I was a murderer and had to make good, but I was not capable of such low things. To do such things seemed horrible, even more cruel than my deed; it was vindictive and mean. I had acted impulsively in anger, but here they inflicted pain on me and all the other poor wretches and foltered us slowly and tormentingly. We had to die but how long would it take? I had rather be decapitated on the block than this slow doom.

Coupled with this came my inner melancholy from being shut-in and the thinking, always that thinking, that was indescribable. All this suffering made that I longed for death, the sooner the more welcome it would be to me. I wished I had not been born. Could I have come to earth just for this purpose? I cursed the moment I was born. Or was it my own fault that I was locked up in here? Who could answer me that? How I hated my parents, now even more than before. After every affliction that I felt my hate increased. How long would this have to last? Perhaps ten, twenty or thirty years? It would drive me insane.

For hours I lay with both hands under my head staring ahead of me. I was like a living dead man. Still my heart beat like any other person’s and in me I felt the longing for a bit of sunshine, a little love and human kindness. I yearned for it, while the person who had his freedom did not realize how fortunate he was. It lived within me and gnawed at my poor heart. But when I thoroughly felt it through, my thoughts turned to that incomprehensible God and I begged Him to make an end to this suffering.

He, the Almighty could do this. However, I begged silently, inside of me, no man or animal was allowed to hear it. I did not dare asking or praying aloud, if this was praying.
The little animals around me would pity me, if they were conscious of such a thing. They represented the only life that I saw and felt here. Their presence helped me, for then I was not the only one who was imprisoned here. It was quite a wonder, but because of them I bore my suffering with more ease, for by day I followed their movements in everything and so the time sped by and days passed and my end came closer.
Every day that passed, for free people it meant an older age, for me it meant debility and loss of strength. Because of this food I would and should die, my poor body would deteriorate, it could not be else. That’s why I had to think all the time, about God too. However, the days and weeks passed and still I was alive. God did not hear me. Would I have to shout louder, much louder for help? I still could not do it yet and I doubted that God would hear me any better. Singing in the churches could be heard on the streets and yet they weren’t heard any better either. And so I lost weight visibly, my poor body suffered of rheumatism, cold and poverty and my face became angular.
 

Nights were the most unbearable, I thought they lasted a year. In me the longing began again. My heart asked for all those earthly items that make life on earth so much more pleasant. I yearned for the sun, for eating and drinking and for more room and so many things more. My heart asked and my soul begged. Both were sad and slowly dying.

If every person on earth could experience this, they would appreciate their possessions more. They do not realize their good fortune in what it means to have freedom, to eat and drink and other pleasures. Even the most miserable people are rich compared to me and the others here. The singing of the birds, the bark of a dog, hold a conversation with an other human being, oh, how happy that would make me.
 

After all these things, as I said before, all these earthly pleasures I hankered. I had always appreciated them during my life, but now I had nothing at all. To be able to see the sky, observe the night and day on earth I would submerge myself in my art, ah, I had nothing any more. In my first cell I had not wanted to meet people, now I hankered after it. A cup of water, a piece of fruit, for these small insignificant things I would lay down my life. My body craved all these things because I was alive. But it was cold here, miserably cold and I huddled down and battled with myself. Human being, appreciate what you have. How ungrateful many are. You grumble and complain, you are dissatisfied and yet you have everything. You do not appreciate the sunlight that warms you. Lock yourself in and you will learn to appreciate. I too was ungrateful, for I did not understand. Still I lived with nature, she gave me peace and joy. Now I was sitting here in the deepest darkness peering, straining my eyes till they burned and ached, until I grew tired of staring, thinking and yearning and sank down, wishing that I would never wake up.
 

But always again I woke up and began to yearn and question: Why and wherefore all this? I have sinned, I am a murderer, but what would you have done? Could you have controlled yourself fully? I had asked myself this already many times without finding an answer. I shall do penance, bear everything that comes to me, but I felt that few of you would have acted differently. Those powers are not in you when you are in love, truly love. My love for Marianne caused me to do it, only through love. Must I stand idly by and watch Roni play out his diabolic game? Watch him defile her? All these thoughts together with that awful silence nearly drove me out of my mind. Still I got used to it, but I felt that something in me was changing. And so I always followed my feelings, and the days, weeks, months and years went by.

Contact with the invisible world:
There was a continual change in my feelings that kept me busy, it made me think and feel and at the same time work it out. It taught me much and I came to know the many traits of my character and learned to suppress all those desires, so that I learned to accept. The silence was horrible, it was as if death himself was grinning at me. Soon he will be able to take possession of my body, though there would not be much left of it. I felt him waiting for me and sooner or later he would come for me. Then I would give myself up, for he was dear to me, very dear. My love for him had grown. This will sound strange but yet I am speaking the truth.
Whenever the darkness was around me, I became frightened. The night before I had thought that I was not alone any more. I thought I saw shadowy shapes that floated around me, upward and down. I looked at them, then I shut my eyes tightly, but I could still see them. When I opened my eyes after a long time, they were gone and my fear disappeared. Whenever evening approached and night was near, I began to shudder. All these incidents would drive me insane, I found that prospect horrible and I would not want that to happen. I wanted to remain in full possession of all my mental faculties to the very last hour.

The following night I saw them again. They even looked like people! That I could not believe, since I was here all alone and I did not want to put ideas into my head. However, soon it could not be denied any longer. I began to see them ever more sharply outlined and I did not know how to resist or close my mind to them any more, so that I yearned for daybreak. The nights now became a frightening torment to me. Something like this had never happened to me before. It had to undermine my physical strength for I could not stand that strain much longer, of that I was sure. When I watched this it was as if my soul wept. I sat there petrified, very still and did not move, I did not dare. Every night they returned, what was I to do? I squirmed and wriggled, closed my eyes and thought of otherthings, still they kept coming and ruined my rest that I needed so badly.
When it was day I was sure that I must have imagined it, but the nights always proved me wrong. A night now lasted an eternity for me. There was no end in sight and I was at my wit’s end.

They were just like people, they had bodies like you and me, but still they lookedlike animals, for there was an indescribable quality of cruelty, fear and destruction surrounding them. I imagined nothing, I would not be able to, for I had too much plain common sense and had been a seeker all my life. What it all meant I did not know yet, but they were not going to bring me much good. They went wherever they wanted, I saw them vanish through the thick walls and reappear again. At least they enjoyed freedom. They were everywhere, for I saw more and more, above, below and beside me, they even went right through me. I had never heard of anything like it. What kind of beings were they, that is if they were beings? They became more and more visible to me, I even saw their hands which looked like claws. Were these people or animals, did they live in this world or in an other world? I wondered what the meaning of all this was. Then one night I saw their eyes which glowed like fire and that’s when I started to believe they were people. But where they came from I did not know.

By day I pleaded for help for it would make me mad. Wasn’t there any God then? Must I live through it all? During the day I saw nothing for I was mostly asleep, but I did not want to sleep, I wanted to stay awake, so that I would sleep at night and would not see them. However, I did not succeed in staying awake and so the day had become night for me and the night turned into day. A strange situation, the one torment was even more horrible than the other and at the moment I had many of them. I called for mercy, but I saw no change. All my cries for help went for nothing, God was deaf to me, if there was a God. I now began to doubt even more, there was nothing left in me that believed in anything. A God would not sanction this for it was impossible to endure. Sometimes I shouted it out, not softly but very loud and still nothing, nothing at all, no help. Finally I gave up. There was no God, people just imagined Him. In the meantime those beings just went on making my life a hell, they ignored me though I pleaded and begged.
As soon as twilight set in, darkness engulfed me. Then I crouched down to wait. My suffering was unbearable. It was so dark that I could not see a hand before my eyes. There I trembled and shook, in the grip of my nerves. Yet a human being is very tough, but how little can one withstand in life.

My thoughts when I was brought here were that I would not be able to stand it for long, but time passed and the relief of death did not happen, though I was nothing but a skeleton. Still a human being can endure a great deal, because in my former cell I already collapsed when nothing had happened yet.
It was still and frightening around me and I felt that they would come. I saw movement already. Sometimes hours went by in which I did not see anything and then I tried to sleep but without success. I did not want to be so frightened any more and resisted it, then perhaps things would change. Presently I saw beside me some beings and an ice-cold current of air passed through me. What was happening now? But they went away and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I must have fallen asleep, for when I woke up it was day. Thank God, they had let me get some rest last night. I felt fortunate and thankful that I had slept and not seen these beings. I did not feel like eating, neither did I feel thirsty and this too was quite unusual. It grew colder all the time and I had to try and do something about that. I could stand anything, if only those mysterious beastpeople or whatever they were would stay away. My fear for the night grew more intense. If only I knew where the end lay.

Suddenly I thought of Marianne again, I had not thought of her for a long time. I had been preoccupied, for so enormously much was happening here on which my mind had to work. But these last few nights I had not seen any shadowy forms and I could think of other things. I already was inclined to think that I had been mistaken and that the darkness had played tricks on me.
Poor Marianne! How was she getting along? When I thought of her motherhood I became angry. Why did I have to meet her again in this way? But she had known nothing of my life, she did not even know whether I still was alive. Would her deed cause her to have to make good? I myself was already atoning for my deed and later would go into hell. It still was not enough; when I thought of that and of my approaching end I fearfully cringed. All these horrors, with still the prospect of being doomed? My soul shuddered at the thought. I forgave Marianne everything and I would always love her. She had begged me not to spend thoughts on her life, but I loved to do that, it killed the time for me. I felt my love awakening again, because I was longing for some warmth. The more I suffered, the more my love for her grew. It was balm on the wounds, it gently stroked my inner being. But only her I loved, I felt nothing for any God or other person. Sometimes I thought that I heard Marianne pray. Was such possible? I pushed such thoughts away from me for I was not going to fool myself.

He, the Creator of heaven and earth could save me. How is it possible, I pondered, that my thoughts always return to God? I did not believe in Him, but there was something within me that kept reminding me of Him. I considered it very strange, just as everything else had been, including my whole life. It welled up from the depth of my innermost being. Did I then really have anything to do with God? Did something of Him live in me? Why always these questions and why do I have to think about it over and over again? It felt as if I was part of Him and could not free myself of it, my thoughts always came back to Him.
Whenever I thought of Marianne and felt her love, the next thing that came to my mind was God. Why that taunting, had I not suffered enough? Was God pressing His Love upon me?
How readily I would love You, You God of Love, but see all what is clashing, what is unjust.
Forcefully I suppressed all these feelings for God and Marianne. Yet my longing for love returned, I hungered for its warmth, no, I begged for it. That other agony I did not even feel any longer, only this. It disturbed the quiet of my soul, it tormented me so horribly that I felt I was lying on the spiritual rack. . Was this love? Or was I imagining?
Oh, to get a smile from her, to see her before me; she who was mine only, would make my happiness so great beyond comprehension and expression in words.

From one thought I came to another and I could feel in my thinking that my brain was becoming confused. God,

Marianne, love, food and drink, those creatures and my whole life were driving me mad. Yet strange as it may seem, I began to long for those shadowy figures, because I was afraid that I would lose my sanity. It meant a kind of diversion for me, the time passed more quickly and so I kept myself occupied. It is true that I felt that I was becoming the plaything of my thoughts. I was tossed everywhere, left and right, but I would rather dash my head against the wall than become insane, which seemed completely unbearable to me.

The thoughts of love in me, hurt me, but also warmed me. When I had my freedom I had not quite felt that warmth of love, now, however, it was as if that love was expanding, becoming greater and more true. How could I love now. I wished for nothing else than to give love, to care for my love, to smile at her and protect her, then I would consider myself in paradise.

I did not want to love as other people thought they did, no, not like that. I wanted to be one of feeling, of understanding and of thought. Then I would see God in her, in her I could feel God. As an artist I could not yet do so and therefore I now understood that the suffering I now received and experienced ripens, must ripen, the love of people, because I began to appreciate what I once had and now lacked. You see, that’s what I thought of and what I felt within me; it burned in my soul and I let it burn because in this cold it did me good. My heart and my whole being wept and shouted for it. So the days and nights passed.
For some time now I had not seen the shadows any more. I began to long for them, because thinking like this was also hard to take. I did not care any more whether it was day or night. It was all the same to me. I had completely run out of thoughts. I had no more desires or longings for something dear. I only felt empty and tired, for I thought everything was unjust and merciless.

Some protection against the cold was given me, which made me very happy. Now I could brave that long winter when necessary, if death did not come to call on me first. Again I sat in my little corner, because trudging around my cell, always round and round, made me dizzy and in this way I waited for the things that were to come.

I commited suicide and the entering into the spiriritual world:
Everything experienced here had been emotional, but now I began to long intensely for my death. All my desires had given way to but one thought ‘death’. Roni had been luckier than I, if only he had crushed me my skull, instead of I did it, for this suffering was dreadful. The day passed and night approached. I wanted to try to get some sleep. The wind howled through the blind again, but that did not frighten me any more, I had become used to it. I only wished to be allowed to die, nothing more. Inwardly I felt more at rest, but I still could not sleep, so that inadvertently I began looking around. And sure enough I noticed faint movements again which usually preceded their arrival. I had not seen them for a long time. So I had not imagined them. I still did not know whether they were human or animal. I followed their every move and found it curious that I was not so frightened as before. They grew clearer but remained enveloped in a mist. I followed them in everything. Truly, I thought, these are people. But where do these human beings come from? Now a whispered sound caught my attention and I tried to catch the meaning of it, but it was too faint.
 

Then I suddenly asked: ‘Are there people here? Are you living human beings?’ I waited, but heard nothing, though the life around me closed in tighter. Unexpectedly I felt something inexplicable coming up in me, it was as if someone spoke to me. Once again I asked if there were people present. Again I heard speaking, but did not understand it and asked: ‘Are you truly a person?’
Suddenly I clearly heard: ‘Just like you.’
Like me? But wasn’t that impossible? I was all alone and locked in.
I asked: ‘Then what powers do you possess?’
‘Yours’, I heard say.
‘Mine?’ I repeated.

‘Yours’, I heard again.
‘Are you man or animal?’ I asked.

‘Man, like you.'

‘And where do you live?'
‘Here, near you, around and in you.’
That was too much for my understanding. In me? Was I connected with the invisible world, with the hereafter? Then there was a continuation of life?
I tried again: ‘Are you dead?’
‘No’, I heard, ‘aren’t we living?’
Now I still knew nothing, beside me I observed several beings, I could see their bodies and noticed that they were people. So they spoke the truth. They looked at me and smiled.
 

I repeated my question but got no answer.

Presently I asked: ‘Are you from the earth?’
‘Yes’, I heard say, ‘but in a different world, between the earth and the hereafter.’
I did not understand that either. I began to believe that they were making fun of me, or perhaps I was fooling myself with self-suggestions? At the same instant, however, I heard someone say: ‘I speak the truth, don't you see us?’
'Yes I see you.'
‘Well then, come to us’, I heard, which sent an involuntary shiver through me. ‘Come to you?’ I asked. ‘Here you will be rid of all your miseries, here is a life where you can find amusement.’ This upset me, because they seemed to know what I was longing for. They had to be human beings, for they thought as I did, but why could they not give a straightforward answer to my question whether they had died on earth?
'Did you die?' I asked.
I thought I heard a satanical laughter. Were these devils?
‘Tell me who you are?’
I asked again. ‘Is not possible’, I heard.
‘Why not?’ I queried.
And heard: ‘Do you tell everybody who you are?’
This answer was well-defined, only human beings could speak and think that way.
Next came my question: ‘Can you think as I do?’
‘Like you’.

I heard nothing more for a considerable time, but saw them distinctly. First I had to think all this out, for I did not understand it at all. I still asked a few questions, but no more answers were forthcoming. The night passed and day approached, but I could not arrive at the truth. I spent the whole day thinking everything over and I longed for the darkness, because things were happening to me of which I had never heard of in my life. One thing was clear to me: They were monstrous, these beings. They were shapes, human beings, but more like devils. By day, when it was light, I did not see or hear anything of them. Apparently they could not stand the daylight. Yet I now longed for the night, because it took the sting out of all my other miseries and feelings of hunger, thirst and desires. This time it was a day that lasted a year.

How long I had been here I did not know. But by the seasons, when warmth made way for cold, I could tell that another year had gone by. How my poor body had managed to stand it this long surprised me. In the winter I nearly froze and in the summer I was almost suffocated, but none of them was fatal and so I remained alive, however wretched it was. I could separate each of the different feelings that went through my mind. I had suffered most because of the various feelings of fear; next through my desires. Now a new activity had been added to keep me occupied and for that I longed, so that the day seemed like an eternity. Perhaps this time I would encounter that elusive truth that would solve the many enigmas. Everything should change in me, as soon as I knew all about their life style. Externally I did not need to change any more, for were I in my present condition to appear before my old friends they would fail to recognize me. My long beard and snow-white hair that hung down onto my shoulders made me look like a sage and a very honourable gentleman, yet I was a murderer. Inside as well as outside of me great changes had taken place.

As usual I stationed myself in the small corner and waited for nightfall. When the darkness increased I saw them coming. They were still shrouded in a haze, but I knew already the exact moment when I would receive an answer if I spoke. A reddish light surrounded them with flashes of green stabbing through and I could not help thinking of an approaching disaster for me riding with them. However, when they came nearer I could only think of myself and the questions I was going to ask. Did I see right? Indeed, I saw a woman.
Where did she come from?
‘Are there women?’ I asked.
No answer.
But the artist in me had distinctly seen the outline of a female figure; the eye of an artist observed sharper than that of an ordinary person. Again I saw women, not just one but dozens of them. I saw their figures rise and fall as if they were playing a game, like a cloud of thousands of mosquitos. Gracefully they floated high up then to pass very close by me. I could have touched them, but I did not dare to make a move.
Was I dreaming or awake? I touched myself, struck my fist against the wall, pinched my sunken cheeks and decided that I was awake. Yes, they were women, I could see them clearly now. I listened if I could hear them speak and saw how they embraced one another. It was very strange, but I remained calm while I watched them. Suddenly I heard a voice I recognized instantly, while at the same time I was certain that I heard it inside of me.

‘Would you like to ask some questions?’ I heard.
‘Oh’, I said, ‘please, very much.’ And I continued: ‘Am I seeing right, are these women?’
‘You are right’, I heard and I was happy.
‘Tell me, where do these women come from?’
‘From the earth’, said the voice.
This is, I thought, a clear answer.
Then the voice said: ‘Can you see me?’
‘No’, I said, ‘I do not see you,’ but then I perceived that something condensed and began to show itself. ‘Yes’, I cried out happily, ‘now I see you.’ I gazed into two eyes of a luminous green, that gave me a penetrating look.
Then I heard say: ‘Am I a human being?’
‘Yes, you are like me, a human being. I thank you.’
Then he withdrew himself again and I asked: ‘Do they have means of amusing themselves there?’
‘Here we have everything. We live any way we like.’
‘Fine’, I said.
The coversation now went smoothly, it seemed to go by itself.
‘What do I have to do to join up with you?’
Very distinctly I now heard: ‘Make an end to your life, don’t stay in that dungeon, come to us.’
Do you mean that?’ I asked.

‘Yes for sure, I mean it.’
‘Tell me again once more, have you died?’
The being seemed to have to think about it and after a short while I heard: ‘All of us have died.’
‘So,’ I said and added, ‘so, then there is a hereafter.’
‘Something like that.’
‘Then dead does not exist?’
‘No’, I heard him say, but to my ears it sounded very sharp.
‘Marvellous’, I said, ‘then you live on the other side of the grave.’
‘Yes’, he agreed but this answer was a long time in coming.
‘Is something causing interference?’
‘Yes’, said the voice.
‘I thought so’, I replied, ‘but do you live in a hell?’
‘No’, he said, ‘it is wonderful here.’
Then I heard laughter, but did not understand why they had to laugh at that question; I meant it seriously.

‘They are not laughing at you,’ I heard, ‘they are having fun.’ ‘Fun’, I repeated. And I was bored stiff. There they could enjoy themselves, they were together and I was always alone. After these thoughts I heard: ‘Why not come to us?’ ‘I will seriously think about it’, I said. My next question was the one that bothered me often: ‘Tell me, dear friend, is God there?’ Now I heard a terrible laughter, that made me feel I had asked a dumb question. It sounded diabolical in my ears.
Still I asked: ‘Are you laughing at me?’
‘No’, he said.
‘Then you know a God?’
‘No, I don’t and neither do the others’, I heard him say.
That again was another plain answer, they did not know God either.
‘Tell me, dear friend, but give me a clear answer, are you doomed?’
I listened intently and heard his reply: ‘None of us know anything about that.’
‘Then there is no damnation?’
‘Not here.’

If that were true, , I would like to go to that world.
‘One more question you must answer me honestly.’
‘Ask away’, I heard.
‘Thanks, I am very grateful to you. Is where you are a burning fire?’
‘Fire, did you say?’
‘Yes, fire. Isn’t hell supposed to have burning fire?’
‘No fire here’

Then that is not true either. Are the clergy on earth then crazy or am I, I thought?
‘They are lunatics’, I heard him say. And he repeated: ‘No fire burns here.’
‘How happy you made me, dear friend, how happy I am.’
A deep sigh escaped my chest. If that were so I could feel love for God again. I meditated for a long time and he did not speak either, as if he knew that I had to think.
After a considerable time I asked: ‘Are all those religious leaders – and there are many – wrongly informed?’
‘Yes’, I heard, ‘that must be so.’
‘And the Holy Father?’
‘He too.’
‘That is awful’, I said, for then millions of people were being cheated.
If they did not know it, then who would? Were not they the representatives of God? Ah, that incomprehensible God. All those learned scholars who knew about God were on the wrong track and knew nothing of God, just like me. I was very thankful to my friend, but this problem now became more and more complicated and confused me even more. What a mystery!

‘Come to us’, I heard him urging, ‘and your sorrow and grief will be over. It will all be removed. Come, come soon, time presses.
’Will I be with you?’
‘Yes, certainly.’
‘Do you have day a night where you are?’ I asked.
Did you not hear me?’ I asked again, when the answer took a long time in coming. ‘Well, yes’, he said slowly after a while, ‘but I cannot explain that to you.’
‘Is my question so difficult then?’
‘It’s not that, but don’t forget that we live in an other world.’
That was true. I had not thought about that. Still I found it strange, my question was not deep, but human. Even the smallest child on earth was aware of day and night. Was that world then so incomprehensible?
It had to be, for none of the people on earth knew anything about it, not even the highest religious orders, although they said they did.
‘Tell me’, I asked, ‘do you have enough to eat and drink?’
‘We have everything your heart desires.’
‘How happy you must be up there, I have nothing at all.’
‘Then come on over, don’t wait any longer.’
Now I asked again: ‘Then, you did die?’
‘Yes’, he said.
‘Thank you, now you are clear. On earth?’
‘On earth’, he agreed.
‘Can you tell me some more?’
‘Only what you ask me.’

I thought it over and could not come up with any more questions, though there were thousands within me.
After a while I asked again: ‘Do you know that I am waiting for my death?’
‘Yes’, he said, ‘you have already told me that.’  
I must be going mad, I thought, I am mixing everything up.
‘So you are dead and you are alive?’ I asked, pleased with my keen question.
Yes’, I heard, ‘we are dead and we are alive.’
Now I knew enough. There obviously was no death. They lived in a different world from mine which I then would enter also. Then death was something wonderful and I need not be afraid.
I asked: ‘Did you too make an end to your earthly life?’
‘Not me but many others here did.’
‘Wonderful’, I said, ‘ I will soon come, but first I must think about it some more.’
It seemed to me a big step to take, but then I would be out of my miseries.  
‘What do you intend to do?’ I heard him again.
‘I will do some more thinking first and will tell you tomorrow.’
I heard something that sounded like a growl, but I presumed that it was not meant for me. It was very likely uttered by one of the others.
Next I heard: ‘I advise you to decide soon, time is pressing.’
This was the second time he had told me this, and I replied: ‘I shall hurry.’
‘Good’, I heard, ‘very good, for you still have the strength to do it.
In a short time your starved body will not be able to accomplish it.’
‘That is clear’, I said, ‘I had not thought of that.’
He was right, very soon I would not have the strength any more.
I thanked him, and because dawn was breaking I quickly asked:
‘Do you help other prisoners here too?’
‘Yes, one more.’

‘And the others?’ I asked.
‘They do not hear or see us.’
‘Then I am privileged?’
‘That you are’, he said. ‘You are gifted’, he added.
That was true; how right on the mark his answer was.
‘Do you know’, I still asked, ‘that I am an artist?’
‘I know.’
‘From whom?’
‘I see and feel it.’
‘Splendid’, I said, ‘you have insight into the human nature. Is the other one you are helping gifted too?’
‘No’, came the answer, ‘you are more sensitive than he.’
I understood that, and it made me feel good.
I still heard him say: ‘I am leaving now; think well, till tonight.’
‘Till tonight’, I echoed, ‘and many, many thanks.’

The beings dissolved before my eyes, because the night was giving way to the day. I now had many problems to solve. Should I do it? Everything was very remarkable and interesting. The fact that the clergy on earth did not have the slightest knowledge of these things pleased me most. How they paraded their wisdom, how clever they
were, they, the chosen ones above all people, who knew nothing of this other life.
I was delighted and all my misery was forgotten. All day long I meditated. God did not doom people, there was no fire, two great problems were already solved. There was food and drink and when one lived there, one was free to go wherever one wanted. It could not be better. I was going to commit suicide for sure. But how? On the bars? It was the only suitable means. Running my head against the wall would not be a sure thing. Here I did not want to remain any longer. I yearned for people, for feasting, drinking, for love and happiness. There men and women were together; it could not be more wonderful, I was satisfied with all of it. Here I had nothing and it might take a long time before I would die. I did not want a repeat of those horrible nights I had suffered in the beginning, not again, I would go mad.

I still had enough strength, for a short time only. I was growing weaker every day. Would I ly down there as a sick man? No! I was determined to make an end to it and longed for night to come, so that I could tell him. In no way was I going to be eaten by all these crawly vermin, no, thank you.
Would Roni also be in that world? If so, then I had not killed but only taken away his earthly life. I experienced a feeling of relief, Roni was alive and thus knew more than I; I would even see him again and Marianne too! We would go on, together, hand in hand and be able to love each other. Oh, the happiness that awaited me there. If she was there already I would see her immediately. If, however, she was still alive I would wait for her. In any case I was alive, she was alive and there was no fire and people were not doomed. Many wonderful things were waiting for me. Soon they could go and bury my corpse. I would like to see their faces then. If I had writing materials I would put a delightful letter beside it to thank them for all I had enjoyed during my stay. The sun was setting, soon it would be night. I thought of all the questions I was anxious to ask still and wanted to be prepared. I must try to keep my thinking lucid. Last night it had nearly spoiled everything. My mind had been confused, but I had remembered the most important questions. These were the questions my soul hankered after.
I sat down as usual and waited. To the left of me I spied movement already. Immediately I asked a question but received no answer. I would have to wait still. But wherever I looked I now saw life. From the depth they sailed upwards, which was really funny. Suddenly I heard: ‘Good evening, my friend.’ ‘Good evening’, I replied, ‘I am glad that you came so early. Do you know that it is evening?’

‘I heard you say so’, he said.
‘Don’t you know that yourself then?’  
I listened but heard no answer.
After a few minutes he said: ‘What nonsense.’
What nonsense?’ I repeated after him. Yes, I said to myself, it really is nonsense. I have better questions to ask him: ‘My dear friend, can you hear me?’
‘I hear you and I listen.’
‘Thank you, but listen well, I have something to tell you. I shall make an end to my life.’
‘Very well, but hurry up.’
‘Will you help me?’
‘Yes’, I heard, ‘I shall help you.’
I said: ‘Will you bring me happiness?’ and received a terrible fright, for I heard a satanic laughter.
Are those devils, I thought. Among all that laughter I also thought I heard a horrible screeching. Where had I heard this before? Oh, yes, when Roni died. Now I did not know any more what I was going to ask.
What are you thinking of, dear friend’, I heard him say.
‘Why are you laughing at my question?’
‘You just imagined it, I did not laugh.’
‘Am I suspicious?’
‘Yes’, he said, ‘this is not your concern.’
‘Then why do they laugh?’
‘They are having fun.’
‘Oh, that changes everything.’

Now I saw many beings together, they were sharing some joke or other. However, they had something loathsome, but I pushed the feeling aside. They meant well and I should not be ungrateful. Yet that loathing returned and frightened me. Therefore I asked him: ‘What is there that frightens me, do you know?’
Sharply came his reply: ‘Your conscience.’
‘My conscience?’
But I had to agree that the man spoke the truth. I was a murderer, I had taken a life.
‘Do you have any other questions?’
I thought but could not find any more.
‘I have a little time’, I heard.
So that’s a pity.’
‘I will help you.’
‘Very good’, I said, ‘that is very nice.’
‘Tomorrow then?’
‘Tomorrow’, I said.

Yes, tomorrow I would act. Now I was becoming dazed, their world dissolved and became invisible for me and I fell asleep. It was light already when I woke up and I felt wonderfully rested. They did that for me, I thought. I felt strong and presently I would make myself ready to leave here. The food that they usually brought me I left, for that I did not need any more, I would receive other food when I was with them. I would not burden my starving body more, it had suffered enough. I spoke to my poor body and told it that it would get other food and many things more, but suddenly remained stuck in my train of thoughts. When this body was dead, it did not need any more food, did it? What kind of problem was now popping up in my thoughts? How curious were my thoughts that I had never even thought of it. From where did these thoughts come so suddenly? I was growing dizzy. The light in my eyes faded. Would I become blind? I jumped up and walked a bit back and forth. Slowly I began to see better again. I was growing weak, very weak, it was the highest time that I should finish off my life. Soon I would get everything ready. From the straw I could fashion a long pole with which I could fasten a rope behind the bars. But I had no rope. Then I’d better rip up my covers. Quietly I now sat working at the straw pole, but yet my thoughts stayed with the problem of dying and food, for I did not quite understand what it meant. Ah, that I had not remembered sooner, the spirit of course did not need any more food. I knew nothing about it or had even heard of it, but it must be like that.

The spirit, I repeated, the spirit!
‘The spirit’, suddenly was being said within me.
Who spoke to me? In me those words were spoken.
‘The spirit, he lives, the spirit remains alive.’
It upset me and scared me out of my wits; I was not myself any longer. I cursed at my own thoughts. Lunacy, nothing but madness!
I must hurry, he had warned me beforehand. Make haste, Lantos, you are going mad, blind and still much more. Soon I would die and then I did not need to think any longer.
‘Not about this perhaps, but about thousands of other things’, I heard.
‘Is it you?’ I asked, ‘can you also reach me by day? That is wonderful, I am almost ready’, I told him.
 Now I knotted all the small strips together and tied them to the top of my pole of straw. Next I tried to work them behind the bars. While I was trying very hard to secure them, my heart suddenly began to beat so wildly that I thought I would pass out and that death had taken pity on me.
What was the meaning of this latest development? A force surged through me that was not mine. I had to support myself, so that I would not fall. My vision also faded and I had to postpone my efforts temporarily to catch my breath. Perhaps I am going blind too, I thought. It is high time, I am fussing too long. Yet I had thought that this would go much easier. It was as if I was being hindered in my efforts.

While I was sitting there resting, I suddenly heard someone knocking on my cell door. That had never happened before. Were the guards becoming polite? Again I heard it. Well, well, you will go stark raving mad, if you don’t go and get there, I thought, but I must first catch my breath. My eyesight faded more and more, for I now saw my surroundings in a haze. But in that haze there was some movement. Were these my friends?
The haze become thicker and thicker and now I beheld an apparition who built himself up in the very same way I had seen the others do, only this time I saw light. A strong light surrounded this being, and I could clearly see his figure. This being had a fine beautiful face. What would I experience now? There! I heard him speak to me.
‘Listen, my friend, my brother, listen!’ His voice had a different timbre, that I had never heard before. ‘Do not make an end to your life, the suffering you have undergone up till now is nothing compared what you will experience then.’
Who are you?’ I asked.
‘I am a spirit of light.’
‘Why don’t you come closer?’
‘That is not possible. Once again, I have come to warn you.’
 ‘Me?’

‘You. You will suffer horribly and be very lonely. Do not commit suicide. You cannot destroy your life, because the spirit lives on in eternity.’
‘Do you know anything about eternity?’
‘I live in eternity, dear friend.’
‘I know that already’, I said, ‘your brothers told me about it.’
‘Those are not my brothers, but demons from hell, who wish to destroy you.’
‘What are you saying? Destroy me?’ I looked at the being and asked: ‘Did you come here especially to spoil my last hours here?’ ‘No, I came to help you. I spoke to you before, but you pushed me away. I am the spirit who spoke to you a while ago and I want to prevent that you kill yourself.’ ‘You did that? You even begrudge me my death? You want to torture me still longer?’
‘Be still, brother’, he continued, ‘calm down a little and stay quiet.’ He looked at me with steady gaze and a mighty current set me at rest. ‘What do you want?’ I asked.
‘Think, dear brother, that God gave you life. Our Father, Who is in heaven, your and my Father, gave you that life and that life you may not destroy. It is God’s will not to do that. God is Love, my child, never forget that. When you have finished your sentence you will begin a different life.’

God is Love, I thought, God?
‘You speak of God is Love?’ I could not control myself and started to laugh. God is Love?
‘Do you know’, I said, ‘how I have suffered and implored Him?
Do you know why I am here? Do you know, dear friend, how I have been treated? Do you know that I am eaten alive here by vermin and that it is gnawing inside of me; that the loneliness is driving me crazy? You speak of loneliness, haven’t I been alone here long enough? I ask you, do you begrudge me my death, my happiness? There I will find happiness, there also await me food and drink. There fun and friends, women and men are waiting for me. Here I go down to mruin physically and spiritually. Be off with you, spirit of light. Go back to where you came from. I don’t want to hear your unctuous voice any longer. Go, I tell you, go now. Leave me alone, do not disturb my work, let me do what I want, I don’t need your advice, not now, not ever, go, go!’
How angry this human made me.
‘You are of the devil! A priest from the earth. Perhaps your master sent you?’ I thought I was going to choke of laughter when that thought entered my mind. My friends had told me of that and I understood. Here before me stood one of those beings. ‘Go back’, I said.

He still stood there and kept looking at me.
‘If I had my tools and stone I would sculpt a model of you,’ I said.
Yet he did not leave and I felt a feeling of great peace come over me. He was an extraordinary person.
‘Don’t you want to go away?’ I asked.
‘Just this, my friend’, he spoke. ‘You cannot be made to listen to reason, but one day you will need help. When loneliness closes in on you and the silence will make you sad, then perhaps you need help. If it will be possible for me to come to you I shall help you. Call me, my name is Emschor. Do you hear, Emschor. We shall see each other again one day, one day. You think that I am talking nonsense but you will experience all of it. Thirst and hunger will torment you. You curse God but you are cursing your own life. You shall always go further, for there is no end to it. You will enter a different life, which is the life of the spirit, where I live. I shall go back, but before I go, dear friend, I want to add this: I came to help you, but you do not want to be helped, you wish no assistance. Many centuries ago I too made an end to my life. I thought I was destroying myself, but I lived on and had to atone for it on the other side of the grave. Therefore, I tell you your misery of today cannot be compared with what awaits you there. Know that I am your brother and speak the truth. Farewell, my son, and be aware of what you are doing. God be with you.’

The spirit vanished before my eyes. The haze in which he had arrived, dissolved and I was alone again. This had been a very remarkable occurrence. Still holding the pole of straw in my hands I stood there speechless. Where was he? I called him by his name and waited for a long time, but heard nothing. Once again I called, but no answer. Was I going mad? Had I nearly gone far out enough to lose my mind?
‘Where are you’, I shouted as loud as I could, ‘if you want to help me, come back to me and say something.’ No, not a sound came to me, nothing, nothing at all. I knocked at the door, touched myself all over, beat my fist against the wall, walked a few times back and forth in my cell, talked to myself and returned to the place where I had been sitting. I was still normal, for I knew and understood what I was doing. But then, what? My eyes? Was I going blind? I only imagined him, because why didn’t I see him now? I was only hindering myself. I would put a quick end to myself, for my vision was going, I could hardly see any more, so it was high time. I did not want to go back to this loneliness, I wanted to see people and life around me. Here I became ill. I still had the strength for it, later on, when I would be totally blind, it would be too late.

I jumped up, raised the pole up high. Yes, this time I succeeded. I pulled the cord down and fashioned a noose for my head to go through. I looked around me but not a being was nearby. First I tried to see if it was strong enough to hold me. Yes, thank goodness, it held, but at every movement I trembled. Now I felt myself becoming feverish, my heart beat in my throat and my knees shook. What was going on now? It felt is if all the blood was draining from my body. Was it then so very difficult to die?
I now gathered up all my strength, put my head in the loop and let myself dangle down. The cord cut into my flesh, a rattling sound rose from my chest and I felt that I suffocated. My head was bursting with exertion, my eyes bulged out of their sockets and my chest was swelling up.

Suddenly I thought of Marianne. Then in a flash my earthly life rolled past my mind’s eye and I felt something horrible happening. I felt that I was being ripped apart, as if I was pulled to pieces. Next instant something pulled me up high and I heard satanical laughter around me that reverberated in my soul. Mean and vicious it sounded.
Where was I? Was I alive? Now I heard voices talking, but far, far away from me. Yet I understood every word.
I heard: ‘Now you are here with us, you will see life, much, very much life. The animal life will gnaw at your soul. Revenge! At last my time has come, revenge is sweet, Lantos Dumonché. Do you hear, revenge is sweet? Our ways will now part. Know that you once tortured and robbed me and caused my downfall. Cursed be your life! Curses on you and yours. Farewell, you have paid your debt.
Revenge! Revenge! The devil fetch you!’
Oh, horror, what a monster!

‘The worms will find a home in your soul. Me, you won’t see again. Revenge, revenge’, I heard further and further distant and silence took over.
But I was alive! Was I with the dead? What was the matter with that being? It was the same voice that had spoken to me all along. Had I done him some harm? Had I collapsed? Was I still living on earth? Where did I live? I could see and hear and yet it was dark around me. And where were all those beings I had seen. Such a jolt, it had been horrible. Had I died? It was very difficult to breathe. A tight band lay around my throat and my head seemed ready to burst. I looked around me and what was that? Beside me hung my material body, I recognized myself! My own body hung suspended from the window bars and I hung right beside it! I tried to move away, but something held me and pulled me back to my earthly body. But I wanted to get away from that corpse. However, a force stronger than mine catapulted me back onto my material body with a thud. It was dreadful. I lived in the spirit and could not go where I wanted. Was I dreaming or had I gone mad? I became aware of severe cold. Where were the people? Why did they leave me alone? Was I in eternity and had that luminescent apparition spoken the truth? Were the others demons? Had I not suffered enough? I had been deceived and burst into tears.

This was my first disappointment but a terrible one! They had plunged me back into new miseries. Miseries which I still had to learn about and which I felt would be worse than those I had left behind. Hate, nothing but hate awaited me on this side.
Revenge, the being had called to me, revenge is sweet. Had I done him wrong? I did not even know him, knew nothing about him. Had I really destroyed, cheated and tortured him? I cried for a long time, for I was shocked and deeply moved. Frightening was all this and I shuddered under their hate. Next I wanted to know what held me, but first I must quiet down and be calm. Now I noticed a cord coming out of me, it was attached to my material body. This cord worked like a rubber band. It was wound around my whole material body and I could not break it. ‘My God’, I cried in desperation, ‘what is it I have mis-done? How can You allow this?’

If only I had listened to that radiant spirit who had spoken the truth. I felt worse here than in my cell. How mean and contemptible they were to wish this on me. Was I in hell? Fire I did not see, at least in that they had spoken the truth. Once more I tried to pull myself free, but my strength gave out and I had to stop. When I rebelled against my captivity my throat closed and choked me, but when I remained calm – I had sensed this already – the situation was bearable and I could breathe. At the slightest struggle, however, all my miseries returned anew vigorously and I suffered horribly. Did a curse rest upon me? I did not understand this. Of one thing I was certain and that was that death did not exist and that I now lived in eternity.

I kept myself as quiet as possible for I wanted to think. At last I knew now that there was not any death but I was totally alone. It was an empty world in which I lived. I tried to understand my situation. Was this the hereafter? I lay down to sleep but felt it would be impossible. Within me there was a strong working going on that kept me awake. What have I let myself in for, I thought, how stupid have you been. I felt, heard and thought like on earth, nothing had changed. I felt my heart beat, I was hungry and thirsty, but I had nothing, no food, no drink and yet I hankered after it so much. I would try one more time to free myself from my material body. I twisted and tried to struggle into my earthly garment to make it move. But no, I could not make it go, I went right through it. It was dead, there hung the corpse, in which I had lived; that garment had carried me, and served me to the moment where I made an end to my life.
I, here, was Lantos Dumonché and that there was only a thing of minor importance, an art piece of creative powers, but it had no value in this life. Eventually this garment would be buried, but I lived on, probably in eternity.

It was quite remarkable that when I thought of other things I did not feel my miseries so intensely. Soon I understood that when I submerged myself in thoughts all the other things did not torment me so much. Did these powers belong to this life? I would watch this closely and try to acquire this, perhaps it would ease my present as well as my future agonies. This life, I clearly felt, was very different from the one on earth. When in this life I had a thought I immediately experienced that thought. On earth first we think and then we act. Here it had already taken place, as I distinctly noticed. One of my horrible problems I was now experiencing. I already knew about death and the eternal life, though still very little. Would I get to know God too? How I wished for that, but I also trembled at the thought of Him. But I would wait patiently, observe everything carefully and work it out for myself. The feeling I had, was that I floated between heaven and earth for, as I mentioned before, this world was empty. I lived in an empty void and felt no ground under my feet.

Can you think yourself in such a situation? I began to feel even more and I knew now that I had cut off my own life on earth. I had wanted to destroy that what was indestructible. The spirit Emschor had spoken the holy truth and I would not forget his name, maybe one day I would need him. Light surrounded him and that light made me recognize the truth. If I had acknowledged it I would still be alive in my material body. However, all the grief and problems, all the agony and lonely huddling in my cell had brought me here. How I had forgotten myself. But I had not known any better. But here again was loneliness, cold and deep darkness; frightening was the silence I felt here. Again I followed the cord because I still could not accept it. However, when I sensed my condition a deep sorrow engulfed me, because I thought that I understood this dreadful thing. No, it could not be possible! I could not stand that, it would ruin me completely. I now knew that my material body had to decompose first before I would be able to leave it. I, all by myself, had to experience this process of decay.

My soul cringed when I felt that. Now I understood the saying of those beings that the worms would find a home in my soul. Ah, how gruesome was this truth. This is what I felt working in me, all this incomprehensible life. There was no doubt about it; that truth I had to accept, for I saw and felt it inside of myself. It upset me dreadfully, it was a crushing truth. No torture, no grief on earth, cruel as it might be, could be compared with this horror. If only my father had beaten me to death. How willingly would I submit myself to him. I loathed that what I now began to feel and observed that the process of decay had already started. How long would this last? Something inhuman was taking place and I had to suffer it. An awful smell reached me and that too I understood. Even my sense of smell I had kept in this life. All the earthly pains and sorrows I had felt in my dungeon were trifles in comparison to this new and spiritual sorrow. If then there is a God, a Father of Love, if there is justice and compassion, if pity exists, felt by people and animals, if there is an Almighty Father in heaven Who watches over all His children, then I ask myself, how can He condone these things? I had to be in hell, I did not see any fire, but this was worse. Oh, my God, after so much suffering, still this too. Nobody on earth knew anything about this. How profound are these problems, how terrible is spiritual grief.

Oh, human being, do not commit suicide, do not shut off the daylight, accept, accept everything, otherwise on this side you will have to face your ruined life. How I’d like to call that out loud, very loud to everybody. Whatever happens, whatever you experience, how horrible your life on earth may be, don’t do this, you must hold out, for to everything comes an end. You have light, you see people, you can go wherever you want, you have your own will, you have everything. But I am stuck here, I had to experience the decay of my body and I felt it, for all this happened within me. What matters broken love, what matters the loss of a dear one, your possessions, money or goods and a thousand other things, when you know that life will go on forever? Because of sadness or various other reasons many cut their lives short, but then they will have to experience what I am now experiencing, this horror, the decaying of their own material body. Over here I came to thinking, in the silence of my own grave did I learn about these problems. Oh, if I could only tell this to mankind some day, if it were possible and granted me! If those laws and forces existed then I would put all the powers of my soul into describing my sufferings in order to protect the people on earth from a similar horrible fate. Perhaps it was possible. So many laws and problems I had now come to know, so that perhaps this was possible too.

I sensed that I should tune myself in on resting to avoid suffering that would become unbearable. Already I noticed that when I kept myself calm my throat hurt less and I could breathe better. But sitting down quietly I could not manage. All the time I wanted to move, I had to keep moving for then I did not feel the working my body was undergoing. At the same time I must not rebel against it, but just remain quiet and do much thinking, for in this way I would learn all these conditions. The life that used to live in my earthly body I began to feel more clearly. Whenever I tried to move away all my miseries returned with renewed vigour, still I tried it again and again in the hope that I might succeed eventually. But it was no use. I was inextricably tied down. This was my experience with the law of cause and effect. Small causes may produce great results and I pondered that this truly was the greatest and most gruesome result. I could not have imposed greater misery on myself and felt that this was the deepest grief. I had violated a law that could not be broken. Only now did I understand what the spirit of light had meant. I felt and saw that law, no, I experienced it with heart and soul. When this had finished its course, would I then be able to go to wherever I wanted and would I have to encounter grief and sorrow again? How long had I been on this side already?

Now I thought I felt movement. Beside me I saw shadows and those shadows were like those that lured me here. I felt myself being carried away from this place and that too I understood. They were going to bury my corpse. I could neither see the people nor hear them talk, but yet I knew where I went and what was happening to me. I strained myself to listen but, no, I heard nothing, not the slightest murmur came through. That world was closed off to me and I had done that myself. Now I felt that I was descending and then come to rest, but the coffin in which I must be lying I did not see. That what belonged to the material world was invisible to me. Everything was invisible except my body, for I lived in it and was fastened to it. My body and I were one, because of that damned cord.
If it had been my time, would then that cord have snapped? I already began to ask questions again. When a person dies, would these bodies split up and one go into the ground while the other would go on living? It had to be so, for this is what I was experiencing here. I was spirit and the spirit lived on into eternity. The spirit of light who warned me had told me so. How far I still would have to go. Where was God? Here? This could not be His heaven for it was sadly pathetic.

The shadows which I had noticed a while ago were leaving. My earthly garment now lay in a grave, but I myself lived right beside it and had to live through all of this. In this terrifying silence I had to collect myself and so I thought about my whole life on earth. Everything I had ever done, to the smallest details, all my thoughts and deeds passed me by again.
Finally I came to Roni, him I had murdered. Roni, my friend, where are you? Do you live in this world or in a different one? Are you sad too and have you received as much suffering as I? Ah, Roni, can you forgive me? I thought about him for some time and just could not shake these thoughts. On and on I thought of my murder and of him, my friend, whose life I had destroyed. What a terrible thing a murder is; it takes away a man’s happiness, light and everything else, whatever it may be. I did not have that right. How severely did my action conflict and clash with all the laws. How wrong I was. Oh, I fervently pleaded for his forgiveness. Now that I was undergoing all this and with the yearning for living returning to me, I began to feel how wonderful it was to be able to live on earth and to do something good, in whatever form that might be. I now realized what I had done wrong.

‘Roni, my friend’, I called, ‘I am asking your forgiveness. Where are you? Come to me, I beg you, take this away from me, forgive me and I shall make it up. I will do penance. My life I give you if you will forgive me.’
For hours, no, weeks I thought of him, according to earth time. I just could not shake it, he alone was on my mind. Why, I asked myself, why must I think so intensely about him? Sometimes the thinking faded, but then it pushed to the fore again and I compared these problems with his life that I had destroyed.
Now I thought I saw more light, or was it my imagination? It had grown calm again in me, but I continued to think of my friend, these thoughts and feelings stayed with me. Did I hear correctly? I listened intently and it was as if I heard something. A voice? A soft sound? I listened again and yes, I heard a very soft voice, a whisper in my ears. It sounded as if it came from afar and I thought I recognized the voice. It became clearer and in and around me I heard: ‘Did you wake me up?’
‘Ah, is it you?’ I did not dare to say his name, but it had to be done and I asked: ‘Is it you, Roni?’ ‘Yes, I am. You woke me up’   ‘I?’ I asked. ‘Yes, Lantos, you alone. But there are other forces that give you the power to wake me up. Oh, how enormous is my sleep, how deep, how deep was I asleep.’

‘Where are you, Roni?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Can you forgive me, Roni?’
‘No’, I heard him say.
‘No?’ I repeated. ‘How can you be so hard. I beg you, Roni, I beg you, forgive me. I have suffered so much.’
‘So have I for my life was cut short and you did that, Lantos.’
‘Forgive me Roni, please, forgive me.’
‘I would like to, Lantos, but it is not possible.’
‘Did you say, not possible?’
‘Not possible. The deed, your deed remains.’
‘How do you know all this.’
‘I know it, because within me, you hear, deep inside of me it lies.
 It is a force stronger than myself. That force tells it, it intrudes upon me. I have to listen to it, it forces me into this situation.’ ‘How awful, how hard you are.’
‘I am not hard, Lantos, I want to forgive you, but it is impossible. Only then, when all this will dissolve and the laws are in harmony again. We disturbed those laws, you and I. We both, Lantos, will have to make good, only then I can forgive you. But why did you wake me up?’
 
‘I?’
‘Yes, you.’
‘I am unaware of that. Where do you get such wisdom, Roni?’
‘It is in me, I feel it. It is as if I am dreaming and speak to you from my dream. Who gives me the power to speak to you? Do you know? Can you answer me? Come on, Lantos, answer me.’ ‘I don’t know, I can’t answer that. Everything must dissolve itself first, you say?’
‘I feel that that will be so.’
‘What are you doing now, Roni?’
‘I must sleep but I shall live.’
‘Do you know anything about Marianne?’
‘No, but I will see and meet her.’
‘You?’
‘I, Lantos, I, because I must, I feel it.’
‘Are you still teasing me in this life? Do you still dare to hate me, you scoundrel? You are a rascal! You with Marianne and I stay here? How dare you say that? How cruel, how diabolical you are, do you hear, diabolical. Your hate is devilish. You...’
I felt myself sinking away, but after a moment I returned to my former situation.
‘Roni’, I called him again, ‘did you mean it?’

I listened but heard nothing. Then after a short while I heard him say: ‘Why are you calling me back? You rob me of my rest, let me sleep.’ ‘Tell me, Roni, did you really mean all this?’ ‘It is laid down in me that I shall live and see Marianne again. But why do you recall this in me? Who gives you the right to do so?’ ‘I am not calling you back, Roni’, I said. And asked: ‘can you see me, Roni?’
‘No’, I heard him say, ‘but I feel you, I can only feel you. You are here with me.’ ‘That is not true’, I said, ‘I am here.’ ‘Whatever it is’, he said, ‘I feel and hear you speaking to me.’ ‘I too hear and feel you’, I said to him. ‘I am asleep, but when I wake up again I feel that I will live.’ ‘Do you think, Roni, that these are other powers that let us experience this?’ ‘It has to be because I hate you, do you hear me, I hate you.’ ‘How hard you are.’ ‘Who has put those loving thoughts for you in my mind? Once again I hate you, Lantos, I hate you.’

The voice now came to me from afar. I felt that he, Roni, returned to his own world. Where did he really live? Once more an other phenomenon. He would see Marianne and I would not? Why he? What was the meaning of this? Oh, that fiend! Even beyond the grave he hated me. Had I woken him up? Was he asleep and did he have to sleep? Wasn’t that very strange? Who would help him and me? I had sensed something and seen more light, but now it was a deep darkness again. Could it have been that shining figure? Emschor? Was it him? It must have been. Roni was woken up, he spoke to me as in a dream and I felt there was something that had done it. I found Roni hard, because he still hated me. But I had asked him forgiveness and that made me feel relieved. He now would have to decide for himself what he wanted. I was sorry that I had let myself become angry again, but he had acted like a devil and had not changed at all. Every sin I wanted to set right; but not he, he wanted to go on living, he hated and continued to hate. Did he wish to live again or did he have to? Was this a law? He and Marianne? I, however, did not feel her. Why he and not I? Did he have a right to her? What for? Oh, that devil, he teased me and thought he could torment me here too. However I forced myself to change my thoughts and tried to collect myself.

All that thinking had tired me out and I tried to go to sleep. But I had to give that up, the process of decomposition kept me awake. I had lost all count of time for I had given up marking days in my cell and here I could not do so. According to my feelings months had passed, but it could also be years. I continued to think and think and now and then I tried to work myself free. Still I was able to move a little further away from my earthly body and that was a sign to me that one day all this would come to an end, though it could last a long time. Within myself I sensed many other feelings that came, straight from my material body to me. I could not stop those pains and feelings, that life went on, had to go on, otherwise I would sit here forever. The faster this process would proceed, the better I liked it. As I said earlier, the thinking I did brought me some relief, because then I lived in feeling in what I was thinking of. That made me understand that if I could focus my concentration on other things my pains and all torments became much less. Everything here is concentration and I learned to master all those various attunements of feeling.

Suddenly a violent jolt shook me, I wondered what was happening now. It came from my earthly body. When I concentrated on it I understood the meaning of the shock, I saw and sensed it clearly. My earthly garment had reached the second stage of decay, I had felt a similar shock once before. Because I felt and watched this I now understood how this great and mighty problem worked, even though it remained horrible. Ever more intense would I experience this agonizing horror, until my earthly body had completely decayed. I had to go through it and work everything out to the very last moment. A gruesome process it was. Inhuman! But once I was free I could go where I wanted and find entertainment with delicious food and drink. Or were these lies and deceptions too?
The process of decomposition continually interrupted my thinking and the condition of my body reminded me that I could not yet move away. This in turn gave me something else to think about; because of this I learned to know myself better and came to realize that during my life on earth I had been my own boss who had managed and guided everything himself and that I controlled my body and made it act. If I had not wished it myself my hand would not have picked up that piece of marble and Roni would be alive today and my sufferings would have been spared me. I was Lantos Dumonché, the artist, my body was my vehicle, but also the spirit was a body of feelings, that lived on after death. I myself was the unnatural and incomprehensible being who had not understood himself on earth. How unfathomable I was. But what would be the finish of me, of this body? Would this what I was now go on and on? Always further to even more incomprehensible and stranger conditions and places? Would I never return to earth any more?

What was the aim of the Creator? For I understood and would gladly accept that there had been someone who had created this and who knew beforehand what would be the beginning and the end. Otherwise that whole scheme of creation wasn’t any good, and if I had to stay here it pointed to a very pitiful stuation. Then it was no creator but a destroyer. No matter how it would turn out I understood full well that had I controlled myself on earth everything would have been different. How perfectly fitted these two bodies together, how natural they worked in the material life, how simple were both bodies, but how deeply mysterious to man on earth who could not look through them. If this was possible for them, then unlimited possibilities opened up for man on earth. Then his abilities were absolute and the clergy on earth would know that nobody can be doomed, so the fears of the people could be taken away.

Then no human being would take his own life, because he knew that this is not possible, for it would only place him before new miseries that are more brutal and inhuman. It pleased me that I understood all this and it lightened my suffering. Again I tried to remove myself and I perceived that I could go a few meters further out. I also thought that I noticed something new. It was very peculiar, when I looked at my material body I saw darkness, but when I looked up it seemed somewhat lighter. Was space up there? On hands and feet I crawled around but felt nothing. I only saw the darkness and the light, but to touch something was impossible. I wanted it to know and thought deeply about it. Suddenly I felt what it meant. Unwittingly the thought appeared in my mind. The darkness over there where my corpse lay was the earth and above me here was space. If I was right in my feelings then I found myself on the edge of my own grave. The cord was stretching as my body decomposed more. The material world showed itself in darkness and the separation from the universe was plainly visible. Still it was so transparent that I kept going right through its matter. Would this solidify so that at a later date I could move around like I did on earth? How slow was the progress of this; but still the end would have to come some time. With quiet resignation I waited and when it became too difficult to retain my self-control I began to think anew. Every time I had to try something different, or else I would not be able to hold out.

Again I felt and saw my life on earth passing by. Several times I had followed everything already, but then I started all over again. Not a thought did I want to forget. I followed my mistakes and every one of my actions again and again; even the smallest, most insignificant details I knew and remembered. What I did not understand was the apparent foreign power in me that had driven me out of my home and urged me to break with my parents. Had I been myself in all these things, or were these different, for me unknown, forces that had influenced me? Were they the beings that had lured me to this world? He who had been waiting for me and whom I supposedly had ruined? You see, that I could not understand, but yet I felt that this too meant something.
Then there was something else that I did not understand, but which had to be one and the same power. Namely, I dearly wanted to free myself from Roni’s influence, but however much I tried, it proved impossible. I was chained to him and I was forced to leave my parents. Who drove me from my home? Why could I not extricate myself from Roni? Were these laws, forces of nature? I had posed this question on earth and I was still asking it. Now I gave up, it was making me dizzy.

Suddenly there was another one of those severe shocks which told me that the decaying of my body went on. My poor earthly garment had not yet decomposed. Oh, how much longer would it take, if I had a well-cared for, healthy body? I was glad now that this was not the case. The sleep I had felt before had disappeared and I went down into that darkness to take a look to see whether the end of the decaying process was near. At first a thick haze enveloped my whole earthly body and kept me joined to my body, but now it had become transparent. That made me quite happy for it meant that I soon would obtain my freedom.
I became acquainted with other laws and forces. If I wanted to raise myself up, above my grave, I had to will it and only then could I move myself. Everything here is, I thought, what you wish for yourself, otherwise nothing happens and you remain where you are. This taught me concentration and that concentration meant that I could pass into an other situation. Again I could move a little further out which gave me a feeling of satisfaction. I could now move ten meters out.

And once more that sleep returned, but I could not find the cause of that. I tried my utmost to search and sense the why but I got nowhere, however, the stillness deepened and my sleep became more distinct. These symptoms I only felt now, just after the last shock. I had now become more used to that silence and began to think about the thousands of things I would do shortly. First I had to be free, after that I would see how things stood, then my sufferings should be at an end and I could go where I pleased. At this time I must not lose courage, but be strong, brave and put up with whatever came my way. I felt that the end of this ordeal was approaching, because the sleep deepened and silence entered me. Both these feelings continued to bother me, but because the end would soon come I controlled myself. Nature had almost done its work and my earthly body would be decomposed and set me free.

How carefully man watched over this garment, how much man loved it. But now I knew how little that garment meant in this life. Only that spiritual body had meaning here. Here the spirit was the essential one that lives and must live. So few thoughts were spent on this spiritual body on earth and yet this was the most glorious and mightiest of what man as feeling, thinking and working being was. On earth my material body had value and significance, here it was reduced to nothing. The material body was draped in silks and velvets on earth, but underneath that lived deep sorrow, for the spiritual body was dressed in rags. Mankind was poor, for he did not know himself. What a difference there was now in my feelings about life on earth. If I ever was allowed to live on earth again I would be a believer, for now I knew a lot more. Terrible things had happened to me, but I learned and would master a wisdom that was totally unknown on earth and that could never be learned or experienced, because it was the wisdom that belonged tot the life of the spirit. All this wisdom gave me the courage and the strength not to give up in despair, but to work through all of it, even if it was nothing but grief. Again I returned to my earthly body to check how far gone it was.

The horrible stench was loathsome, but I could not see the haze any more. Still I could see my corpse but in an other stage, the bones became visible. I was happy to feel that the cord was losing its strength, so that I could move further and further away. At the same time, however, I became aware of the increase of silence and sleep. I began to stumble away, putting as much distance as I could between my material body and me, but sleep overtook me and forced me to rest. Now I felt myself sinking down deeper and deeper and I dropped down to rest. In feelings I was still with my earthly body, but sleep and silence overpowered me and I knew of nothing more.
Jozef Rulof.